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hwp Mrs. Doubtfire Script
Salutations, snack.
On second thought...
9-1-1!
Police! Civic authorities! ASPCA! ASAP!
Murder! Betrayal! Kidnapped!
No, birdnapped!
A cup of garlic, a twist of parakeet.
Eat your heart out, Julia Child.
Excuse me, but isnt it customary
for the jailbird to get one telephone call?
In your case, I think not.
Afternoon snacks have few civil liberties.
But Im not wholly without heart.
How about a nice soothing cigarette?
Oh, I will not do this. I cannot!
Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die!
I dont want to get beak cancer.
No! My lungs are blackened!
Here we go again. Cut, cut, cut! Roll it back.
- Help me...
- What are you doing? Daniel...
That line is not in the script.
Why did you add it?
- I wanted to comment on the situation.
- What situation?
Shoving a cigarette into Pudgies mouth
is morally irresponsible.
This is a cartoon,
not a friggin Oprah Winfrey Special.
Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon.
Its like telling them "Light up."
You cant put words in Pudgies mouth
if his mouth isnt moving.
Its voice-over. An interior monologue.
Maybe even the voice of God.
Pudgie, dont smoke.
- Actors.
- What? Lets askthe technicians.
Do you think its morally right
to promote smoking to the youth of America?
- Theyre biased. Thats a mistrial.
- This session costs the studio thousands.
If you want a paycheck, stickto the script.
If you want to play Gandhi,
then do it on somebody elses time.
Then Ive got to do what Ive got to do.
Thats very funny.
Where the hell are you goin?
If you leave, youre not comin back in.
Im not takin any crap from you, pal.
Well, in the words of Porky Pig:
Piss off, Lou.
- So what about that history test?
- Dont ask.
- Did you have fun in school?
- I painted a picture of a rainbow.
- Dad?
- Daddy!
Daddy!
- I thoughtyou couldnt pick us up.
- Well, I got off early.
- You mean you got fired?
- No, I quit. For reasons of conscience.
Actors.
Dude, congratulations
on your th birthday. Got a surprise for ya.
- A stripper?
- Ooh, please!
- Two strippers?
- Hoo-hah, boy!
- A party?
- Yes!
No. No parties.
Mom said you couldnt have one
because of your report card.
Moms not gonna be
home for another four hours, is she?
Prepare yourself... for the wild kingdom.
Coming up toward the very end.
There she goes. And she wins that race.
Come on off now. Here we go.
You want to feed him?
See if this guy will.
Sorry.
Get out!
- Gregory, Henderson and Hillard.
- Miranda Hillard, please.
I know whatyoure going for with these
murals, but perhaps if they werent so large.
And lets do steel windows, not wood.
Eliminate the Oriental rug.
Lets try an Aubusson carpet.
- More pinkthan red.
- Good idea.
Union Square Inn. This is better.
More Arts and Crafts. A Dirk Van Erp lamp,
a Stickley chair. Dont be seduced by chintz.
Excuse me. Miranda,
can I speakto you for a minute?
- Yes. Excuse me.
- Certainly.
Just be one minute.
I just got off the phone
with a Stuart Dunmeyer.
- Stuart Dunmeyer?
- He said you were acquaintances.
Stuart Dunmeyer?
Hes putting millions into restoring
the old Wellman mansion on Nob Hill.
- He wants to make it into a $ -a-night B&B.
- Yes, I read about it.
- Hes been doing very well.
- Thats him.
And he specifically asked for you, Miranda.
He did?
- I told him youd call first thing tomorrow.
- Yes, I will.
Miss Hillard? The operator
has a Gloria Chaney on hold.
- She says its an emergency.
- Excuse me.
Gloria?
- Oh, my God!
- Is this your residence, maam?
Yes, Im sorry to say it is.
Are you aware its illegal to possess
barnyard animals in a residential area?
- What if youre married to one?
- Were also responding to a noise violation.
Im going to respond myself.
Im awfully sorry about this.
You ate my begonias! God!
Get out of my way!
Miranda! Whassup?
Youre home early, girlfriend.
Havin a birthday in the house.
What the hell is going on around here?
Dont get mad, honey. Listen.
Youre home a little early. I was gonna
clean it all up before you got home.
Honey... What are you looking for?
Id be careful. That pony had a lot of water.
Partys over.
She called you
and you bust the birthday party. Great!
Dont you dare
make me out to be the monster here, Daniel!
You have all the fun
and I get whatevers left over.
- You chose the career.
- I have no choices here. I have no choices!
Even when I try to do something fun,
you do it ten times bigger!
I bring home a cake and gifts.
You bring the goddamn San Diego Zoo!
- And I have to clean up!
- Its not toxic waste, just a few party plates!
Why am I the only one
that feels there has to be rules?
Why do you always
make me out to be the heavy?
I dont. You do ityourself quite naturally.
- You set me up every time to be the bad guy.
- Oh, lighten up, will ya?
You spend too much time with
those corporate clones you used to despise.
I spend too much time with you, Daniel.
Its over!
Its over.
Come on, Miranda. Weve got problems,
but who doesnt? We could work em out.
Weve been trying to workthem out
for years.
Come on, please. Listen.
Maybe we need
