분야
hwpSan Francisco.
Town city of gleaming spires.
People live here.
Golden Gate Bridge.
The Romans came here.
They built buildings with things.
Ducks. Cows. Cows who look weird.
And convicts.
(# Spooky modern jazz)
Criminal element.
San Francisco is no exception.
Criminals who look quite ordinary
but are more criminal
than you could ever guess.
lm taken in their
prison transportation, down, down,
towards Alcatraz.
Once a Native American paradise,
where people worshipped
the gods of the Native Americans.
But now a prison,
as the guard tightens the chains
and signals to the people
and prison wardens of Alcatraz -
prisoners coming, prisoners coming!
The torture gear there.
He tightens the chains
as the man in the back says,
"No more drugs for you.
"You cant afford any till Tuesday."
Yes, drugs are rife.
Everyone here
is in for a big old crime.
The woman in red,
shes in for stealing hubcaps.
What a hellish crime!
She will never see her family
again. Theyve been sent somewhere.
But they try
to keep their spirits up.
Gallows humor, yes,
it happens in all prisons. Alcatraz.
As the FBI agent
takes photos of likely troublemakers,
the guard signals again -
"for Gods sake, prisoners coming!"
Coming now. Prisoners.
Prisoners coming, coming,
coming through. Pris... Pris...
People holding on to bananas
as more drugs money is exchanged
for favors and drugs, mainly.
The FBI woman takes a close-up
photo of somebodys kneecaps.
How tight can chains be pulled,
for Gods sake? Alcatraz.
I started here in
and I got years plus a few months.
ln years Ive found out people
from everywhere are all the same.
Freddie Dingo there,
a few wise words from him.
FBI agent looks on as
the woman in red stares - in terror.
The prisoners
are led off, off to Alcatraz
as special FBI agents check
the prison transportation vehicle
to make sure no one has
Sellotaped themselves to the ceiling
or hidden underneath,
disguised as a wheel.
Freddie and Jeff Stinger here,
famous bank robbers,
being taken to Alcatraz
at the end of their life.
Alcatraz. ln the sun, its almost
pretty. lts got a lighthouse.
And a big thing at the back
that looks like a monster.
But no, its Alcatraz.
Once an island paradise,
now a penitentiary.
Tonights show is brought to you
by the prisoners of Alcatraz.
(Cheering and applause)
ln heels, as well. Yeah.
Yes, Im a professional transvestite
so I can run about in heels
and not fall over.
If women fall over in heels,
thats embarrassing
but if a bloke falls over in heels,
you have to kill yourself.
End of your life.
Its quite difficult.
So, San Francisco.
# San Francisco, San Francisco! ?
Not San Fran, no, apparently not.
I didnt know,
I wouldve said San Fran
but youd go,
"We dont like San Fran. Fuck it."
Or whats the other one?
Frisco, you dont like that, either.
(Audience hissing)
And youre a city of snakes, I see.
(Hisses)
Everyone goes to a gig
with a snake in their bag.
No other cities have snakes
as much as you.
New York, no fucking snakes.
Paris, London, no snakes.
San Francisco,
full of fucking snakes!
(Hisses)
We did that at school.
So you can call it "the City".
The City.
OK, and you dont
tell tourists about, er..
the weather in July and August.
You dont fucking tell anyone.
Theyre all going round in
summer shirts going, "Jesus Christ.
"I cant see! I cant see!
"Fog, theres fog!"
And it really shifts it, your fog.
I saw John Carpenters film The Fog
and that fog shifts it.
I thought, "Thats Hollywood -
fog moving fast."
But your fog is that speed.
Busy, busy, busy.
It could be late
to get in someones face somewhere.
It runs down the road, doesnt it?
Boom! Whoosh! Nyyyaoum!
Faster than the fucking taxis!
Of which there are five.
(Laughter, cheering and applause)
I dont know what thats about.
Youre a no-taxi city, arent you?
Five taxis, all going,
"I got people in."
Hours. Nyyyaaaoum, nyaaoum, nyaoum.
Nyaowww, nyaowww, rrrowwww.
Then when you get in,
they dont know where theyre going.
I had to tell the guy,
"Get in the back, lll drive."
Hes sitting in the back going,
"I dont know.
"Ive only lived here
four million years."
Cable cars are fun. Everyone gets on
and becomes a rhesus monkey.
No one talks on a cable car,
they just hang and stare.
The guy in the front, no steering
wheel, going, "What the fuck?
"What the fucks this one?"
Pulling levers, levers.
Is it four levers
that just do fuck all?
Hes always ringing that bell,
going, "Help! Help!" Ding-ding-ding!
Endless bell-ringing. What is he,
the Hunchback of Notre Dame?
The bells.
Him and the guy from the
stock market are the same person.
At the end of the stock market,
they ring a bell. lts the same bell.
(Quiet chuckling)
Never link those two together again.
(Big laugh)
So, I was going to be in the army
when I was a kid.
Yes. I say that and people go,
"Oh, yeah, yeah."
I was going to be in the army.
Cos if youre a transvestite,
youre actually a male tomboy.
Its not drag queen.
Gay men have got that covered.
And this is male tomboy.
People get t
